As mentioned in the post on June 10th, 2011, I thought it’ll be the last time I’d be crying for you. But no. You broke my heart again. I don’t know if you’re doing that on purpose so that I’ll retreat from this stupid one-sided feeling which is spinning in circles and going nowhere, or it’s just fated that I heard such stuff from you twice. My heart instantly dropped when I heard what you said. While you’re reproaching yourself and pouring your heart out to XX, tears just rolled down my cheeks. D’you know it was so hard for me to keep silent and not letting you know that I was actually awake and listening to all of that? My mind kept telling me to calm down but the heart just shoved it aside. I had to try so hard to prevent myself from being heard by y’all. D’you know how fucking hard it is for me to bottle it up and keeping it to myself? I know I can’t tell anyone, and I shouldn’t tell anyone, because afterall, I wasn’t supposed to know, I just overheard the conversation. It’s fucking torturous, I can tell you. I feel so fucking helpless and useless and at a fucking loss because I don’t know what I should do. I know I need to do something about it but I just don’t know how and where to start. I feel so fucking afraid. I really wanted to tell XX about it, because the three of us are close and I feel that he should know about it too. But Peiyi and Sandra told me not to tell him. They told me to let you break the news to XX yourself. But I don’t think you’ll even tell him anything. I know you’re afraid that he’ll judge you. I know perhaps you wouldn’t tell me because you’re afraid that I would judge too, or perhaps it isn’t convenient for you to tell me stuff like this. But, we made a promise, remember? That whenever you ask me anything, I’ll answer you truthfully, and vice versa? I kept to my promise. Why didn’t you? Why did you avoid my question when I tried to ask? Why did you do such a silly thing? My heart is aching like mad. I thought you’re no longer what you used to be. I was really disappointed and sad when I knew you did it again. I can’t deny my feelings for you still hasn’t faded fully. All everytime you showered your care and thoughtfulness towards me, all the fucking feelings came back. All the coincidences appeared, and made all the feelings even more overwhelming. The sorrow I got in return is overwhelming too. Fucking overwhelming. I really don’t want you to return to your old ways because it’s not good for you. I’m sure it’s not good for you. People will judge you and you’ll lose many friends and you’ll even be reproached by your family. Not because I want to get in a fucking relationship or anything. I want you to be okay. And it hurts when I see you being sad and all. I don’t want to see you sad. That’s why I wanted to help so badly. But I really don’t know how. Those thoughts which Peiyi told me engulfed my mind and fear crept up on me. I’m so fucking afraid that there’ll be no return for you. I’m really afraid that I always end up crying when the thoughts came up to my head. I had that apprehension long ago, sixth sense told me it’ll happen. Which is why I always find out about your whereabouts through twitter or I’ll even agree to go out with you all the time when you asked me. I don’t even mind if you’re hanging out with people I hate because I know at least you wouldn’t wander off. I was right about that day. They had no time for you, that’s why you wandered off. And did it once more. I thought to myself, if I didn’t go for the BBQ, I would have accompanied you, and that wouldn’t have took place. There’re times when I’ll also blame myself, because maybe I’m the reason you turned out that way. Sandra told me to put this to a stop. She told me to forget you. How d’you expect me to do it when you gave me so fucking much to remember? You gave me the world, you treated me like no one else will ever do the same. How can I just forget about it and move on? Even if I did, I know it’ll definitely take eons for me to forget about you. I guess I’ll never forget what we had together even in the future. You’re the best mistake that I’ve ever had, though there isn’t any outcome from it. I guess I need to let go now. I will try. If that makes you happy, I won’t stop you. I only want you to be happy. Hang on, my almost lover. You’ll be alright.